apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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