That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
