She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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