yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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