im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
