Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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