I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
