My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
