He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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