May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My feet surprised me
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
