She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
