His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
