Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
