my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
