why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
