i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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