I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
