Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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