woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
