i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
