Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
