I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
