Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
