you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
