Umm I'm too high to move.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
