Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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