i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
