I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
