Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
