I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
this boner is exhausting
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
