i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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