smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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