I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
