wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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