He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize