so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
