She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
