she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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