i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
