She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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