WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
