I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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