im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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