Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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