fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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