MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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