There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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