You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
