i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
