Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
