tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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