sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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