Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
