i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
