Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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