chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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