I love black thongs
I think I died a long time ago.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
