Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
