Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she told me i tasted like america
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
